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How To Save Your Relationship

 

My name is Fred Talisman. Iím a licensed marriage and family counselor. For over 30 years Iíve specialized in saving romantic relationships that were on the verge of ending.

 

Iím going to assume that if you went through the effort of finding my website that your partner has told you they want to leave you.

 

When Is It Too Late For A Relationship To Be Saved?

 

When you give up or throw in the towel.

 

Youíve probably already tried everything you know to try to get your partner to give you a last chance. Itís not working, is it?

 

Are You The Fool Or The Wise Person?

 

The fool is the know it all, the do it yourselfer who tries to do everything on their own and is too stubborn or too prideful or too unaware to know when to get help.

 

The wise person, the successful person, the person of power, is always looking to add experts to his/her team to help them maximize the possibility of meeting their goals.

 

What Youíll Learn From This Webpage To Help You To Save Your Relationship

 

On this page I will cover: why itís essential for you to get help and coaching from the right relationship counselor; what to look for in a relationship counselor or coach;how to find the best person to help you; what to ask counselors to make sure theyíre the right one, before you commit to a paid session.

 

Iíll also give you tips on how to get the most out of working with the one you choose to work with; and how to make sure that the way you go through the counseling doesnít cause your partner to break up with you for good.

 

Why Finding And Going To A Relationship Counselor Is Usually

A Critical Element In Saving Your Relationship

 

Usually, the person that has initiated the breakup has been trying to get their partner to go to relationship counseling with them. They have been put off or flatly told no. Iíve worked with some couples where that person has been rejected by their partner for weeks, months and even years, in their efforts to get them into couple counseling

 

Initiating finding and going to a couples counselor, as soon as possible, demonstrates your willingness to be responsive to what your partner has wanted.

 

It can also help them to get past one of their biggest objections to giving you a last chance, which is their concern that thereís no reason to believe that anything will be different.

 

One of the primary reasons they were wanting to go to relationship counseling in the first place is that they thought that it could help to make the relationship workable for them.

 

Canít Self Help Books, Home Study Courses, Couple Seminars Or Retreats Take The Place Of Relationship Counseling?

 

In my professional opinion, no relationship expert, including myself, through writings, teachings, talks or seminars, can take the place of 1-1, in person or phone counseling/coaching for your relationship.

 

The right relationship counselor, working with you on a one to one basis, can fine tune an approach thatís precisely tailored to save your relationship and give you the best chance to save your relationship.

 

Why Iím Recommending That You Get Relationship Counseling or Coaching

As Soon As Possible

 

It might take awhile to research and find the right counselor and get an appointment with that counselor, so get started now. When it comes to saving your relationship, time is not yet on your side.

 

Iíve Known Of Couples That Went To Couples Counseling And Wound Up Breaking Up. Is It Possible That The Wrong Therapist Can Do Us More Harm Than Good And Even Contribute To A Final Breakup?

 

Yes, thatís a valid fear. As you continue reading, Iíll show you how to maximize the possibility of picking the right counselor to help you to save your relationship.

 

Pick A Counselor Thatís A Relationship Saver, Not A Relationship Ender

 

If you and your partner, or just you, are open to relationship counseling, I would highly recommend it with the RIGHT counselor.

 

When a relationship is in crisis, itís in a very delicate state. Relationship counseling is not neutral. It can help make the relationship better. If done incorrectly, it can push the relationship over the edge.

 

All relationship counselors have their biases.

 

Some think that if a relationship isnít working, a person should get out. Theyíll tend to guide an individual or couple in that direction. I call them relationship enders.

 

Others, like myself, believe that, with rare exception, an individual and/or couple should do everything possible to get the skills to make their relationship work and thus to save their relationship and often their family unit. Weíre relationship savers.

 

Itís My Professional Belief And Experience That Most Romantic Relationships That End, End Unnecessarily And End With The Couple Still Having Love For Each Other.

 

Itís my experience, that for most relationships in crisis, that when an individual or couple gets the right kind of help and training and consistently practices those skills that they can actually not just stay together but can both individually thrive staying together.

 

How Do I Find A Relationship Saving Therapist?

 

You need to first know what to look for. Iíll teach you that shortly.

 

You then need to spend the time calling and interviewing relationship counselors until you find the one that meets the criteria youíre looking for.

 

Shouldnít I First Ask My Partner If Theyíre Willing To Go To Relationship Counseling With Me Before I Go Through All The Time And Effort To Find A Therapist For Us To Get Help From?

 

No.

 

If you ask your partner before youíve found the right counselor and your partner says NO, you have nowhere to go.

 

If youíve already researched and found a relationship therapist that meets your criteria and you can tell your partner about the time, effort, and results of your research they are more likely to say yes.

 

If you ask your partner to go to counseling with you and they say YES, you need to be ready to set up that session as soon as possible.

 

In my experience, once a person has said they want to break up, the longer the distance from the time when they said they were willing to go to see a couple counselor and the time of that session, the greater the chance they will change their mind and refuse to go.

 

If the callerís partner has already agreed to go to a relationship counselor with them, as a Relationship Saver, I do everything possible to give that couple a first session with me the day of the call.

 

Sometimes, tomorrow is too late because by that time the leaving partner has changed their mind and refuses to do the session.

 

What To Look For When You Are Interviewing Relationship Counselors

 

First, it would help you to understand, in general, how relationship counseling is conducted.

 

There tends to be two different ways that relationship counseling is done.

 

The way itís often done, the therapist will get the couple to come in and talk about the problems and their feelings and each session they will have them talk about their feelings and problems and perhaps give them insights and understandings as to why they have those feelings and problems.

 

Itís a process that can go on for months and even longer.

 

That way of working takes a long time. Often, a person thatís ready to leave the relationship wonít stick around that long.

 

Thereís a bigger problem with that way of working.

 

If a therapist gets a couple to talk about the problems and to continue to rehash those problems and upsets each session, without giving them tools and solutions, the couple and especially the person thatís on the verge of ending the relationship, will tend to get evenmore upset.

 

Itís a potentially destructive way of working and can wind up finalizing the breakup.

 

A competent, experienced therapist can usually get the bulk of the information they need to help a couple to save their relationship, within that first session and can also, during that 1st session, give you an overview of how specifically they can help you to get the relationship back on track.

 

With the right counselor, if your partner is, in any way, open to giving you a last chance, your partner will leave that first session with you with a feeling of guarded hopefulness. They will see that with the counselorís help, that if you two follow through with what youíre learning from the counselor that you really can make your relationship work.

 

When your partner has told you they want to break up, that first couple counseling session will either help you to get a last chance with your partner or, if that session is conducted incorrectly, it can finalize the breakup.

 

In my experience, that first session with a couple, when a person has already told their partner they want to break up, is a very delicate, critical time.

 

As a relationship saver, I find that itís useful to assume that the leaving partner is one step away from leaving for good. If Iím wrong, no harm. If Iím right, then I will proceed with a caution that can help that couple have a turning point.

In my experience, in most cases, that despite their insistence that the relationship is over for them, they are willing to come to that first session because they secretly hope there really is a way to save the relationship and they really do want to be able to justify to themselves giving their partner a last chance.

 

In my experience, most come to realize, by the end of the first session, that with my help, the relationship really can get better for them. They are now willing to give their partner a last chance and to come back for more sessions with me to learn how to make their relationship really work for both of them.

 

How Should I Interview Relationship Counselors, By Phone, By Email Or In Person?

 

Many will initially talk to you for free by phone, few in person.

 

You will probably get enough information you need to make your decision, if theyíre willing to talk with you by phone.

 

Do NOT try to interview them by email. Even if theyíre willing to do that, there are too many nuances of important information youíll get by phone that you canít get through email.

 

When Youíre Interviewing Relationship Counselors, First Pay Attention To How You Feel When You Talk To Them

 

Pay attention to how you feel when you talk to them. If they talk down to you or they make you feel uncomfortable, they are probably wrong for you.

 

If you feel calmed or reassured when you talk to them AND they meet your other criteria, thatís a good sign.

 

Other qualities to look for when youíre talking to them: do they have a positive attitude; are they confident in their abilities to help you save your relationship; are they friendly, encouraging and supportive.

 

What Should I Ask Them when I Interview Them and What am I looking for in their Approach to Relationship Counseling?

 

Hereís an example of how to interview potential Counselors to help your relationship:

 

You(Y): Hi, my relationship is in trouble and I was wondering if you could help me. Do you have a couple of minutes so I can tell you, briefly, whatís going on and find out how you would work with us?

 

Th(therapist): sure, go ahead.

 

Y: You briefly tell them you presenting problem. (For example): My partner caught me cheating on them and theyíve said theyíre fed up and theyíre going to leave me. Can you help us?

 

Th: I hope so. I can see you this Friday at 3pm.

 

Y: can I ask you a couple of brief questions?

 

Th: sure.

 

Y; How long have you been in practice?Ē

(Usually, nothing takes the place of experience. A therapist thatís been in practice for 10 years or longer, specializing in helping romantic relationships, has a level of understanding based on their experience that newer less experienced therapists donít have access to. However, you will occasionally run across a newer, very competent therapist that can really help you out.)

 

Y: How specifically would you work with us?Ē

(If you ask a relationship counselor ďhow they approach saving a relationshipĒ and they canít tell you their process of how they go about doing that, they either are ďunconsciously competentĒ in saving relationships or they arenít very skilled in doing that.)

 

How Do I Find Relationship Counselors Or Coaches To Interview?

 

Here are some sources: online yellow pages; the yellow pages; ads in your local papers; word of mouth; your local church or temple.

 

Why Not Just Go To Whomever Iím Referred To By A Friend, Relative Or My Family Doctor?

 

You can certainly include those referrals as part of the group of professionals you interview.

 

Stay conscious and do your homework by interviewing them with the questions and criteria youíre getting in this section as well as other questions and criteria you have.

 

Just because someone you know went to a therapist or knows of them, or even got good results with them, doesnít mean that therapist is the right one to save your relationship.

 

You have your own unique situation. And, you probably will now have different and much more refined screening criteria for choosing a relationship therapist than the person that gave you the referral.

 

Money Is An Issue For Us. Why Not Go To A Therapist That My Insurance Will Cover Or Go To A Place That Charges On A Sliding Scale?

 

In my opinion, insurance companies are in the business of making the most money, not getting you the best help.

 

All the insurance companies I know of require a therapist to cut their fees, often to cut their fees dramatically, to be allowed to be in the ďsystem.Ē

 

Top Relationship Savers are unlikely to be willing to cut their fees to be a preferred provider for an insurance company.

 

I strongly recommend that your top criteria for who you pick NOT be the cheapest therapist or one thatís covered through your insurance.

 

If this is your last chance, you want to go with the best Relationship Saver you can find regardless of the cost.

 

If you factor in the emotional cost of an ended relationship, along the possible costs of separate households and living expenses, the cost of a great Relationship Saver is a fraction of that.

 

If youíre married, you can add in the cost of divorce attorneys, spousal and/or child support.

 

If money is a problem for you, youíre better off going to a top Relationship Saver less often, than a cheaper less effective therapist more often.

 

Youíre much more likely to save your relationship.

 

Places that charge for therapy based on a sliding scale, can usually afford to do that because they have volunteer therapists that are still in school or fresh out of school. Remember, you need a seasoned, experienced Relationship Saver.

 

What If The Therapist Wonít Talk to Me on the Phone and Their Receptionist Says I Have to Make and PAY for An Appointment to Talk to Them.

 

My bias is, that I wouldnít recommend you ďblindlyĒ pay for and see a professional before youíve had the opportunity to interview them by phone.

What If They Wonít Answer my Questions on The Phone and Just Say Oh, Sure I can Help You, Just Make an Appointment

 

If they canít or wonít answer your questions, you have no basis to make a decision to take the next step with them. Itís time to call the next professional on your list.

 

Iíve Asked My Partner To Go To Relationship Counseling With Me And They Said No. How Can I Get My Partner To Go To Relationship Counseling With Me?

 

You canít get them to go.

 

Hereís some of the most common reasons a partner gives of why they wonít go to relationship counseling with you and how to respond to those objections:

 

Objection: Iíve asked you for years to go to relationship counseling and you refused. Now itís too late.

 

Objection: Youíre the cause of all the problems so you should go by yourself.

 

Objection: We tried relationship counseling before and it didnít work. Why would it be any different now?

 

Objection: Iíve already decided to leave. Thereís no point in going.

 

Objection: I donít believe in relationship counseling. If we canít solve our problems by ourselves then nothing will work.

 

How To Increase The Chances Of Getting Your Partner To Go To Relationship Counseling With You

 

Hereís a possible response that often works with all of the above objections: ďIíve found a relationship counselor that can give us the missing skills we need to get our relationship back on track and to help me be more consistently responsive to your wants and needs.

 

Would you be willing to go to one session with me to check them out?Ē

 

Why Ask Them To Go To Only One Relationship Counseling Session With You Rather Than To Get A Full Commitment For Couple Counseling

 

You want to make it as easy as possible for them to take a positive step with you to get professional help for your relationship.

 

Itís easier to commit to one session than to commit to ongoing relationship counseling.

 

If you pick the right counselor, theyíll do the job of getting in rapport with your partner and showing the benefits to your partner and to the relationship of coming back to them for further counseling.

 

What If My Partner Isnít Willing to Go to Counseling/Coaching With Me?

 

It will probably be more efficient if your partner gets the relationship counseling/coaching with you.

 

If they wonít go to counseling with you, definitely go yourself. You have a better chance of saving your relationship if you go by yourself to get 1-1 coaching to save your relationship than to not go at all.

 

In my 30+ years as a Relationship Therapist and Relationship Coach, I have helped to save lots of relationships where only one person got relationship counseling with me.

 

Why Do I Have to Go. Itís Not All My Fault?

 

Good Relationship counseling/Coaching doesnít focus on blame. It gives you skills and strategies, specific to your relationship and your situation, to help you maximize the possibility of saving your relationship.

 

Isnít It More Effective To Go To A Professional In Person, Than To Work With Them Over The Phone?

 

Thatís what I believed, IN THE PAST. Years ago, I was working with a couple that taught me otherwise. They were moving out of the area and asked to continue working with me. I told them that I had never worked with clients by phone because I assumed that it wouldnít be as effective as seeing them in person.

 

I said that I was happy to teach them how to find someone else that would be local to them. They said ďweíve been to a lot of therapists before we found you and youíve helped us more than all the rest put together.

 

Since youíve never done phone therapy before, weíre asking you to give it a try with us when we move.Ē I told them that I was willing to try but would not continue if I felt it wasnít as effective as the work that I was doing with them face to face.

 

To my surprise, it was just as effective. They started referring new friends and work associates to me for couple counseling, who never had and never would see me in person. Again to my surprise, they were getting the same level of results as my in person couple clients.

 

At this point in time, I work with most of my clients by phone. Even many of my local clients choose to work with me by phone because theyíve found itís just as effective and they have a zero commute time.

 

Thus, in terms of getting good results, I no longer believe thereís an advantage for you to work with a therapist in person. If you prefer to, thatís fine.

 

Again, the key criteria is that you go to a therapist who is highly trained, experienced, specializes in saving relationships,you feel comfortable with them, and theyíll give you skills and strategies as opposed to just sitting and listening or playing the referee.

 

I Think That My Partner Would Be More Comfortable With A Male Therapist. Therefore, Should I Only Interview Male Therapists?

 

No. If you find a male therapist that meets all the criteria Iíve laid out to you, great. But if the only therapist you find that meets all of the criteria is a woman, youíre far better off going to her.

 

A competent therapist can get rapport with most people, men and women.

 

What Do I Do If I Canít Find The Right Therapist

 

If you canít find the right counselor, or if you prefer to work with me, you can reach me at 1-310 429-3658 or feel free to email me at Contact Fred.

 

I practice what I teach, so I will NOT communicate with you by email. If you email me, make sure to include your phone number so that I can call you back.

 

If Iím no longer accepting new clients when you call or email me, I apologize to you in advance.

 

How do I or We Get the Most Out of Working with a Relationship Therapist:

 

Be proactive in preparing for each session. Think about what you most want help with to improve in yourself, which would make the biggest difference in improving your relationship.

 

In my experience, the clients that are the most proactive in planning for their sessions, and are the most proactive and consistent in practicing and mastering the skills I give them get the best results, by leaps and bounds.

 

Why Many People Wind Up Breaking Up For Good After They Start Relationship Counseling And How To Avoid Creating That Fate In Your Relationship

 

A lot of people that get into couple counseling have the illusion that they can stop being on good behavior and just use the therapist as a referee.

 

Remember, your relationship is still in a very fragile state and it may not take much to negate the benefits a good relationship counselor can give you.

 

Use your couple therapy time primarily to learn new skills, not to vent your upset feelings at your partner.

 

In between sessions, you cannot afford to slip back into your old ways of speaking and acting that caused your partner to want to break up with you in the first place. Once youíve been granted a last chance by your partner, one slip up on your part can finalize the breakup.

 

Stay conscious. Be diligent and as consistent as possible in mastering the skills you get from your counselor.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

 

Take care,

 

Fred Talisman MFT

California 310 429-3658

Contact Fred

 

PS: If you still aren’t ready to get help, but you genuinely do want to save your relationship, Please click here for more information.

 

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